Holiday Reminder: Keep X in Xmas
It’s that time of year again. That time when holiday platitudes drip from the mouths of people elbowing one another to get the last on-sale iPod at Best Buy while a smooth jazz rendition of “Winter Wonderland” spills from the overhead speakers like Zyklon B. That time when car companies roll out the commercials of token yuppie couples waking up on Xmas morning to give each other keys to the new Lexus that sits in the driveway amidst a snowy scene of upper-middle class suburbia. That time when it seems the heel of Xringle’s boot of good-natured capitalism is constantly placed upon my windpipe. We all suffer the same, but we all suffer alone.
But don’t fret, mon chums et ma blondes. I have a story of Xmas wonder and hope to tell. Many years ago, when I was just a little h, I used to work at Target. It was the holidays and I was feeling glum. It was with a heavy heart that I showed mothers video games they could never get the correct names of and explained to fathers, “No, widescreen doesn’t cut off the top and the bottom of the picture, you are just a fucking retard.” And then one day, a woman showed up and changed my perspective.
“Why aren’t you smiling?” she asked with a patronizing tone.
“Oh, the Christmas season just gets me down,” I replied. She frowned a little.
“Don’t call it Christmas, it’s Xmas. It’s about X.” And then she walked off.
I went out and took a cigarette break. I talked at great length with the cart pushers about the sizes of various customers’ titties as they walked in and out of the store. When the cigarette was done, I flicked the still-lit butt into the trash can, vaguely hoping to start a fire. And then I thought about what that woman said and I began to feel better. By the end of my shift, the trash can hadn’t set on fire, but I had a genuine smile on my face.
So during this time of year, when we try to deny that we live in a pseudo-Christian nation, trying to include everybody in our holiday mirth by offering up “Happy Holidays” while failing to realize no other religion really gives a shit about this time of year, imbibing that politically correct phrase with a hilarious level of irony that only serves to point out how marginalized non-Xmas practitioners are in this country, I say unto you simply this: “Keep X in Xmas. Keep X in your heart. Merry Xmas to all and to all a good X.”
-David H
